
Now that we’ve fixed the Academy Awards, what would the 2018 Oscars look like?
Part 3: The 2018 Oscars Winners If the Oscars Did It Right
So we’ve talked a lot of guff in part 1 and part 2 of this “We’re Fixing the Oscars” series. It’s time to put up and then shut up.
So, what would the 2018 Oscars look like if we had our way?
As things happen now every year in the last week of January, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announces the nominees for that year’s Oscars, honoring the movies of the previous year.
What follows is a month of speculation and talk about who’s why these people and films were nominated, why those were not, who’s going to win, who should win, and who’s going to be robbed.
Then somewhere in the first week of March (March 4 this year) the Oscars are broadcast and we see who won.
A reasonable question is how do you provide an suspenseful, enjoyable show if everyone nominated gets an award? Where’s the drama of seeing who wins? We do it like this:
In January when nominations are revealed the AMPAS would have their usual announcement but not one person’s name would be mentioned. The only thing unveiled from the podium would be the list of films nominated for SOMETHING.
As we know from 2018’s nominations, Consolata Boyle is nominated for best costume design for “Victoria and Abdul.” So in our scenario the public would know “Victoria and Abdul” is on the list, but not know for what. Boyle’s name would be unmentioned. People seeing the “Victoria and Abdul” entry would naturally wonder does that mean Judy Dench’s performance as Victoria is in the Best Actress Category? Did the great dresses get Consolata Boyle a nomination? Best score? What?! TELL US!
Better watch March 4 to see. Then, it would be revealed “Victoria and Abdul” was only honored for costumes and make-up.
In 2018’s current nominations, “Blade Runner 2049” is up for special effects. In our Oscars, the public would only see “Blade Runner 2049” is on the list and was nominated for SOMETHING. Special effects? Harrison Ford as an old Rick Deckard? Is Roger Deakins finally going to get his richly deserved cinematography award? Who knows.
Better watch March 4 to see.
Hey look, “Get Out” is on the list. Think it was for make-up or sound design? Probably, because when was the last time a writer or director was nominated for a horror film? Jordan Peele probably got shut out.
But better watch March 4 because… who knows?
Under these guidelines, the 2018 Oscar Nominees would be these. We’re including documentary and short films because they’re filmmaking too damnit show some respect you celebrity chasing click-monsters!… And now the nominees for the 2018 Oscars Done Right:
All the Money in the World Baby Driver Beauty and the Beast Blade Runner 2049 Call Me by Your Name Coco Darkest Hour Dear Basketball DeKalb Elementary Dunkirk Edith+Eddie Faces Places A Fantastic Woman Ferdinand Garden Party Get Out Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 Heroin(e) I Tonya Icarus Knife Skills Kong: Skull Island Lady Bird Last Men in Aleppo Logan Lou Loveless Loving Vincent
Marshall
Molly’s Game
Mudbound
My Nephew Emmett
Negative Space
On Body and Soul
Phantom Thread
Revolting Rhymes
Roman J. Israel Esq.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Strong Island
Big Sick, The
Boss Baby, The
Breadwinner, The
Disaster Artist, The
Eleven O’Clock, The
Florida Project, The
Greatest Showman, The
Insult, The
Post, The
Shape of Water, The
Silent Child, The
Square, The
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Traffic Stop
Victoria and Abdul
War for the Planet of the Apes
Watu Wote/All of Us
Wonder
Who would win? You HAVE TO WATCH. And for Hollywood, there would be NO way for actors, directors and directors to know if they had won except for simply showing up.
In a town full of fabulous egos, Oscar night would go from an occasion where 20 actors show up because they know they’re nominated to a night where thousands actors show up because that tiny ego voice in their head told them maybe, possibly, probably they’re going to get an Oscar.
The drama of revealing the five best actors or five best actresses would be like watching the ‘…And the Oscar goes to …” moment times 20. This year, Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan would win.
In three hours Jordan Peele would go from half of a comedy duo with a cancelled Comedy Central show to an Oscar-winning writer and director in one evening.
It would be pandemonium. It would wash all politics off Twitter for a few hours. It would be fantastic TV.
So, after all this, what might the Oscars look like if they did it our way?
The Dorking Out-Style 2018 Oscar Award Winners:
Get Out Retro Oscar: Zodiac Action/Adventure: Baby Driver Dunkirk John Wick 2 Children’s films: Coco Paddington 2 Comedy: The Big Sick The Disaster Artist Logan Lucky Comic Book Films: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Logan Spiderman: Homecoming Thor: Ragnarok Wonder Woman Drama: Call Me By Your Name I, Tonya Lady Bird The Phantom Thread Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail
Faces Places
Icarus
Last Men in Aleppo
Strong Island
History:
Battle of the Sexes
The Darkest Hour
The Disaster Artist
Dunkirk
The Post
Horror/Thriller/Suspense:
Get Out
It
The Killing of a Sacred Deer
Musical:
The Greatest Showman
Beauty and the Beast
Science Fiction/Fantasy:
Blade Runner 2049
The Shape of Water
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
War for the Planet of the Apes
Western:
Hostiles
As you can see, this method honors the best movies, but also produces useful lists for both casual and ardent moviegoers of movies they may enjoy but missed.
How would the other major categories shake out? Well, we wouldn’t be limited to five nominees per category. Ten years ago, the Academy expanded their nominees in the Best Picture category, but instead of including a variety of movies, they just nominate more of the same Oscar-bait movies they always nominate.
Our categories are flexible. Maybe there’s just one performance, maybe there’s five. Maybe there’s six directors, maybe even more.
And, we’d recognize more performance such as Bob Odenkirk from “The Post” or Algee Smith in “Detroit.”
It would look like this:
Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out Lead Actor (Historical Character): Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour Tom Hanks, The Post Algee Smith, Detroit Lead Actress (Fictional Character): Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird Lead Actress (Historical Character): Margot Robbie, I, Tonya Meryl Streep, The Post Supporting Actor (Fictional Character): Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri Mark Hamill, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World
Bob Odenkirk, The Post
Supporting Actress (Fictional Character):
Mary J. Blige, Mudbound
Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread
Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird
Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water
Supporting Actress (Historical Character):
Allison Janney, I, Tonya
Director:
Dunkirk, Christopher Nolan
Get Out, Jordan Peele
Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig
Phantom Thread, Paul Thomas Anderson
The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro
Kathryn Bigelow, Detroit
Patty Jenkins, Wonder Woman
We think that about covers it. We could dive into each category, but as things shape up now, we feel confident the nominees-get-oscars system is perfect for the all the technical awards, the costumes, music, etc. For some reason, those categories are usually pretty spot-on anyway.
Let’s also wrap up by acknowledging our changes don’t fix the disparate appearance of women and filmmakers of color. That’s because Hollywood is famously AWFUL at hiring woman and filmmakers of color. The Oscars can only nominate what movies get released.
The studios and production houses decide who gets the opportunity to make a movie. Go yell at them (2017 especially has revealed MANY of them have it coming).
We’ll be discussing this on an episode of our podcast. You can find the show HERE and the episode HERE.
Now go tell the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and thanks for reading.