Good News! We Fixed The Oscars! Part 3

Now that we’ve fixed the Academy Awards, what would the 2018 Oscars look like?

Part 3: The 2018 Oscars Winners If the Oscars Did It Right

So we’ve talked a lot of guff in part 1 and part 2 of this “We’re Fixing the Oscars” series. It’s time to put up and then shut up.

So, what would the 2018 Oscars look like if we had our way?

As things happen now every year in the last week of January, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announces the nominees for that year’s Oscars, honoring the movies of the previous year.

What follows is a month of speculation and talk about who’s why these people and films were nominated, why those were not, who’s going to win, who should win, and who’s going to be robbed.

Then somewhere in the first week of March (March 4 this year) the Oscars are broadcast and we see who won.

A reasonable question is how do you provide an suspenseful, enjoyable show if everyone nominated gets an award? Where’s the drama of seeing who wins? We do it like this:

In January when nominations are revealed the AMPAS would have their usual announcement but not one person’s name would be mentioned. The only thing unveiled from the podium would be the list of films nominated for SOMETHING.

As we know from 2018’s nominations, Consolata Boyle is nominated for best costume design for “Victoria and Abdul.” So in our scenario the public would know “Victoria and Abdul” is on the list, but not know for what. Boyle’s name would be unmentioned. People seeing the “Victoria and Abdul” entry would naturally wonder does that mean Judy Dench’s performance as Victoria is in the Best Actress Category? Did the great dresses get Consolata Boyle a nomination? Best score? What?! TELL US!

Better watch March 4 to see. Then, it would be revealed “Victoria and Abdul” was only honored for costumes and make-up.

In 2018’s current nominations, “Blade Runner 2049” is up for special effects. In our Oscars, the public would only see “Blade Runner 2049” is on the list and was nominated for SOMETHING. Special effects? Harrison Ford as an old Rick Deckard? Is Roger Deakins finally going to get his richly deserved cinematography award? Who knows.

Better watch March 4 to see.

Hey look, “Get Out” is on the list. Think it was for make-up or sound design? Probably, because when was the last time a writer or director was nominated for a horror film? Jordan Peele probably got shut out.

But better watch March 4 because… who knows?

Under these guidelines, the 2018 Oscar Nominees would be these. We’re including documentary and short films because they’re filmmaking too damnit show some respect you celebrity chasing click-monsters!… And now the nominees for the 2018 Oscars Done Right:

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

All the Money in the World

Baby Driver

Beauty and the Beast

Blade Runner 2049

Call Me by Your Name


Darkest Hour

Dear Basketball

DeKalb Elementary



Faces Places

A Fantastic Woman


Garden Party

Get Out

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405


I Tonya


Knife Skills

Kong: Skull Island

Lady Bird

Last Men in Aleppo




Loving Vincent


Molly’s Game


My Nephew Emmett

Negative Space

On Body and Soul

Phantom Thread

Revolting Rhymes

Roman J. Israel  Esq.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Strong Island

Big Sick, The

Boss Baby, The

Breadwinner, The

Disaster Artist, The

Eleven O’Clock, The

Florida Project, The

Greatest Showman, The

Insult, The

Post, The

Shape of Water, The

Silent Child, The

Square, The

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Traffic Stop

Victoria and Abdul

War for the Planet of the Apes

Watu Wote/All of Us



Who would win? You HAVE TO WATCH. And for Hollywood, there would be NO way for actors, directors and directors to know if they had won except for simply showing up.

In a town full of fabulous egos, Oscar night would go from an occasion where 20 actors show up because they know they’re nominated to a night where thousands actors show up because that tiny ego voice in their head told them maybe, possibly, probably they’re going to get an Oscar.

The drama of revealing the five best actors or five best actresses would be like watching the ‘…And the Oscar goes to …” moment times 20. This year, Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan would win.

In three hours Jordan Peele would go from half of a comedy duo with a cancelled Comedy Central show to an Oscar-winning writer and director in one evening.

It would be pandemonium. It would wash all politics off Twitter for a few hours. It would be fantastic TV.

So, after all this, what might the Oscars look like if they did it our way?

The Dorking Out-Style 2018 Oscar Award Winners:

Film of the Year 2017:

Get Out

Retro Oscar:



Baby Driver


John Wick 2

Children’s films:


Paddington 2


The Big Sick

The Disaster Artist

Logan Lucky

Comic Book Films:

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2


Spiderman: Homecoming

Thor: Ragnarok

Wonder Woman


Call Me By Your Name

I, Tonya

Lady Bird

The Phantom Thread

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri


Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

Faces Places


Last Men in Aleppo

Strong Island


Battle of the Sexes

The Darkest Hour

The Disaster Artist


The Post


Get Out


The Killing of a Sacred Deer


The Greatest Showman

Beauty and the Beast

Science Fiction/Fantasy:

Blade Runner 2049

The Shape of Water

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

War for the Planet of the Apes





As you can see, this method honors the best movies, but also produces useful lists for both casual and ardent moviegoers of movies they may enjoy but missed.

How would the other major categories shake out? Well, we wouldn’t be limited to five nominees per category. Ten years ago, the Academy expanded their nominees in the Best Picture category, but instead of including a variety of movies, they just nominate more of the same Oscar-bait movies they always nominate.

Our categories are flexible. Maybe there’s just one performance, maybe there’s five. Maybe there’s six directors, maybe even more.

And, we’d recognize more performance such as Bob Odenkirk from “The Post” or Algee Smith in “Detroit.”

It would look like this:

Lead Actor (Fictional Character):

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name

Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread

Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Lead Actor (Historical Character):

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour

Tom Hanks, The Post

Algee Smith, Detroit

Lead Actress (Fictional Character):

Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird

Lead Actress (Historical Character):

Margot Robbie, I, Tonya

Meryl Streep, The Post

Supporting Actor (Fictional Character):

Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project

Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Mark Hamill, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water

Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Supporting Actor (Historical Character):

Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

Bob Odenkirk, The Post

Supporting Actress (Fictional Character):

Mary J. Blige, Mudbound

Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread

Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird

Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water

Supporting Actress (Historical Character):

Allison Janney, I, Tonya


Dunkirk, Christopher Nolan

Get Out, Jordan Peele

Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig

Phantom Thread, Paul Thomas Anderson

The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro

Kathryn Bigelow, Detroit

Patty Jenkins, Wonder Woman





We think that about covers it. We could dive into each category, but as things shape up now, we feel confident the nominees-get-oscars system is perfect for the all the technical awards, the costumes, music, etc. For some reason, those categories are usually pretty spot-on anyway.

Let’s also wrap up by acknowledging our changes don’t fix the disparate appearance of women and filmmakers of color. That’s because Hollywood is famously AWFUL at hiring woman and filmmakers of color. The Oscars can only nominate what movies get released.

The studios and production houses decide who gets the opportunity to make a movie. Go yell at them (2017 especially has revealed MANY of them have it coming).

We’ll be discussing this on an episode of our podcast. You can find the show HERE and the episode HERE.

Now go tell the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and thanks for reading.

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